I’m tired today. I was up until 2:30 bullshitting with Ryan & got up at 8 when Troy got home, and 5 1/2 hours just wasn’t enough this time. I can take a nap later if I need to, I just hope I don’t need to, I hate feeling sleepy & groggy all damned day, you know?

It looks like it may rain today, and I really hope it does, but after my swamp cooler gets fixed, because I don’t want Ryan up on the roof during a storm or trying to fix it anytime near that, it just seems dangerous & I feel like he’d try to, just to get it done.

I’m also trying to get a plan together for tonight, to see if we’re playing D&D or Rock Band or just watching TV, but I won’t really know anything until Jason wakes up & Dawn can talk with him about it, since they’re going to his folks’ house for the day (it’s Pioneer Day here in Utah) & she doesn’t know when they plan to be back.

I’ve been looking into some Renter’s insurance lately, wondering if I ought to add that to our policy or not, since we have no way to replace anything these days if it all gets damaged or stolen, at least that way we’d have some tv insurance on our nice HD set & I could stop worrying about it. I’ll probably add it at the start of our new policy, just to get all of the bills coming in at the same time, and thankfully, it isn’t going to cost us all that much.

Anyway, I need to get my morning pills taken & do a few other things really quick, like move the dog so I can scoot my chair in further & stop my back from hurting.

I’m restless today & can’t seem to settle into one task & get it done. I have so much to do today & haven’t really started any of it, but I’ve sat here & played countless rounds of pyramid solitaire. I apparently have the focus for that & that alone, which doesn’t really help us get ready for camping.

I have other things going on in my mind that I probably won’t ever mention here, because they are personal, on a level that I’m not comfortable sharing, but trust me, they’re keeping me from thinking about much else. I’ll work through it, but sometimes I feel very isolated, because there isn’t anyone here I can really talk to about it, either. There are just too many emotions tied up into what’s going on inside me, and many of them involve other people, I can’t talk to them because I don’t want any hurt feelings.

I am not unhappy in my marriage, we are very happy together & enjoy our life. The kids don’t have me particularly stressed out, or at least, any more than usual. My parents are fine & healthy. I’m not doing or thinking about doing anything stupid, so no worries for any of you, it’s just the standard, inner crap that everyone goes through every now & again & I’ll work through it.

I’m so not good at this “personal blog” stuff. Maybe I should just write about how I taught the kids to treat acne when they were teens & be done with it.

I have no idea what to call this blog anymore or what to write about these days, as I’m obviously no longer a faire vendor or board member. We will still have the booth at other events, but we’ll be carrying a different line of products this time around. Pagan items don’t sell well in small, Morman communities, but soap & signs generally do. I’m happy creating & am excited to get back to making those things again. What do I call this place now? I’m obviously not a “mommyblogger” or a regretful emptynester. I don’t have teens in my home searching for acne treatments, nor do I have young children trying to fit in with their peers. I’m a wife and a mother of three adults, my life is pretty quiet, really.

I could write about the fear and worry about Erin, or maybe his struggles with drugs alcohol, but writing about all of that would eventually cause me to become depressed & scared & stop sleeping at night again.

I could write about my struggles with good health & weight loss, but how long could I honestly keep that up? Maybe this will just be about the plain, old, every day me, since I have a blog that deals with parenting adults & one that deals with the spiritual side of me, but nothing about just me. That sounds pretty good, but what to call it?

On Thursday, July 8, we came to a fairly monumental decision, at least for all of us. Troy got into a confrontation with another board member over something that he shouldn’t have had to fight about. The other board member wasn’t really willing to give even an inch & then later came to me saying some particularly rude things. I went back into the booth, Jason strolled over & Dawn, Jason & I sat down to talk. In the course of that conversation, we all discovered that none of us was having any fun anymore. When we first started doing the faire together, we all agreed that when it wasn’t fun anymore, we would quit. So, we did. I called Troy over & we told him our decision and the reasons behind it & then Troy & I went to tell the other two board members that we were done.

I’m not sure they really believe that we won’t be back next year to help build the stage & set everything up. When we quit, we took our entire guild with us, and they are (and have been for 10 years) the people who build the faire. I don’t know what they’ll do & honestly, I don’t really care, but maybe they’ll have learned a lesson in how to treat people from this. I hope so, at any rate.

As for me, I gave up the booth, since we definitely can’t afford to vend at that faire anymore, especially if we aren’t on the board anymore, so we split the money down the middle & divided our stock & called it good. I’ll go back to diets that work better than stress & continue my own journey, by myself again, which is fine with me, I do okay alone.

We have no second guessing & no regrets, so at least I know I made the right choice for me.

We’re obviously in the middle of Faire, since I haven’t been around online at all. We come home every night exhausted & leave every morning right as it’s getting light outside. In the first two days, we’ve made about $75, which I guess is okay, but when you figure that Dawn & I each only get 1/4 of that, it’s not very much, at all. Oh well, we’ll get by I imagine, we always do, maybe the next two days will be much better, but I seriously doubt it.

I think I’m going to need anxiety depression treatment before the week is over, we’re going through so many changes & have made a lot of really life-changing decisions this week & I think we’re all having a lot of bittersweet feelings right now. Troy equated it to being a senior in high school & knowing it was the last time you would ever do so many things.

I’ll go into more detail when faire is done for the year & the official announcement is made, but for now, let’s just say that it was a long time coming & we have no regrets, at all.