Rising from the Ashes

Another Busy Day

Thursday, May 10th, 2012

Today (Thursday) is our “Saturday,” meaning that it’s the first day of our weekend. It will probably be pretty busy, as soon as Troy wakes up, anyway. He plans to mow the lawns & trim the edges & weeds. I’d like to change the sheets in the trailer, take inventory of the food we have in there & get the antifreeze out of the water tanks & lines. I’m wishing for a weekend camping trip & might be able to talk him into driving out to the local campground to see if there’s a nice spot for our trailer. That’s all I really want for Mother’s Day, just to get away for a couple of days.

I rather doubt that it’s going to happen, but we do get the trailer ready for camping season, regardless. I’ll do it all by myself if I have to, honestly. I’m not sure how to do the water, though. Anyway, he’s awake & there’s stuff needing to be done, so I think it’s time to get dressed & get started!

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Behind

Tuesday, May 8th, 2012

I’m so far behind in the Pagan Blog Project, I’m not even sure I can or even have the desire to catch up, I guess we’ll see what the coming days bring. I need to do a lot of decluttering around here, I can’t take the junk anymore. We have so little space in this house & I’m tired of it looking messy because of it.

I’m going to go through my clothes & get rid of a bunch of shirt & things. I have a ton of custom t-shirts that were made for specific events, or renaissance faires from the past that I just don’t need anymore & would probably better serve us as cleaning rags. I know there are a lot of things elsewhere that we just don’t need anymore and can be donated to someone else. I want a clutter-free life, both physically & emotionally!

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Celebrations & Grief

Monday, May 7th, 2012

I did get my spice cabinet organized the other day & have managed to keep it that way, so far, anyway. It’s working a lot better now & that’s all that matters. We had a beautiful Beltane, even if two of our members were missing. We had meaningful ritual time, delicious food, celebrated the Flower Moon and hung out, laughing & talking for quite awhile. My brother & sister-in-law even came over at one point.

We didn’t celebrate our daughter’s birthday. She decided that she hates all of the day before, and that asking to be on her meds, sober & wearing clothes her butt doesn’t hang out of was more than was fair & lashed out. I had all of her things moved out of our home & work shop by mid-afternoon on Saturday. I’m done. I just can’t live like this anymore. I’m tired of the accusations, tired of her greed, lies and jealousy and just everything else. In one breath, she’s saying that gifts don’t matter (we spent the last of our extra cash paying for her medical insurance for the year) and in the next is furious that I didn’t “buy” her a phone (like we apparently did for her brother) and couldn’t be bothered to buy her a $.50 card or plan a separate day for her birthday party. The truth of the matter was that I couldn’t afford to have two different things going on right now. (and our son’s phone was free & he pays for his own service)

I feel like every day I’m being forced to make Cleopatras Choice; unhappiness or death? My happiness or her’s? Eat for a week or buy her something? It’s just crazy. She’s 22 years old, why am I still responsible for throwing her a birthday party? If I want one, I throw it myself, you know? I have no problem with what she chooses to do, if she wants to drink & drug herself to death, that’s her business. I have my own choice & that’s to not be around her when she’s using & drinking. I’ve made that choice, but now I just don’t want to be around her at all. I promised myself that the first time she said she hated me as an adult, I was done. She knows what it means, and she knows how it hurts, and I won’t play that game anymore.

In other things, our daughter-from-another-mother & youngest granddaughter are starting an amazing journey today. They leave for Job Corps this afternoon, and a brand new start in their lives. We’re so excited for Morgan & hope she has an amazing journey, although we will miss Dani horribly.

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Almost Beltane

Monday, April 30th, 2012

Wow. Beltane already. Where has the time gone? We’ll be having our rites on Saturday & celebrating our daughter’s 22nd birthday then, too (if she remembers). I really need to get our ritual transferred to our working Beltane book, so I have it ready by then. We’re having a barbecue afterwards, with several different skewers & lemon monkey bread for dessert. I have no idea who will be here, and I don’t really care, I just want to have a nice evening with our friends & family.

So, today I’ll probably spend my time transferring ritual, changing the nectar in the hummingbird feeders & trying to figure out a way organize the spices in my cabinet, so I can keep the organized & am able to find the freaking cumin when I need it! One of my biggest problems is that the only cabinet I have to keep spices in is super tiny & above the stove, where I’d rather not have them, but have no choice. My kitchen is very small & I have few cabinets to begin with. I may end up having to keep them elsewhere, just to save my own sanity.

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Mistaken

Thursday, April 19th, 2012

I was wrong about our daughter. She hadn’t been drinking at all. She had misplaced her medication & decided on a whim to go out of town with her boyfriend. While she was out of town, she got hit by a car, while crossing a street & ended up in the hospital for a day or so. I’m thankful that my intuition was off this time & that I’m making myself just believe her this time. I can’t drive myself crazy wondering of it’s the truth or not, I have to take it on faith that it is.

Our feelings about situations aren’t infallible, and I need to stop acting like I have a built in alarm system that tells me when something is wrong. Heck, even Home Alarms make mistakes sometimes, right? At any rate, it’s all good & she’s back to her meetings and still acting like she’s doing the right thing & that’s all that really matters at this stage in the game.

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Sunday Dinner

Sunday, April 15th, 2012

I remember when things seemed a lot easier. Maybe I was delusional about my daughter’s drinking & drug problem, but at least it wasn’t on my mind 24 hours a days. She’s been out of touch with me, other than a brief phone call yesterday, since Friday afternoon. I’ve been around the block with her enough times to know what that means, and it’s affecting my state of mind.

I have a bunch of friends coming over for dinner tonight & I couldn’t even be bothered to clean the kitchen, other than getting the dishes done. The counter we serve food from most likely looks terrible, since it isn’t in the greatest shape to begin with. Someone used vinyl floor tiles on it instead of something like mannigton laminate when they built it and it’s starting to lift up & warp. That’s about the only thing about my kitchen I’m not crazy about & would change if I could.

The point is that I should care more about it right now than I do & I blame the endless situation with my daughter. I need to stop letting her disease ruin my life.

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Summer Planning

Sunday, April 15th, 2012

I’ve reached a decision, at least as far as me & mine go. I will not survive this late Spring & Summer without a lot of camping trips thrown in. My husband & I plan to be gone as much as humanly possible. That may very well mean that every-other weekend, we’ll be camping somewhere, even if it’s just for one night. I know this might mean that we’ll miss out on time with friends who can’t make it, but I really feel like this is the only way I’m going to make it.

I long to be sitting around a campfire, surrounded by people playing Hofner Guitars, toasting marshmallows & relaxing. I can’t sit around any longer & worry about what my daughter’s doing to herself & if she’s dead or in jail anymore. It’s already taking it’s toll again this year. I have never wanted to run away more than I do these days.

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